Ruben Journey to Life

On the fear of missing opportunities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing opportunities I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fucking up opportunities I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in seizing opportunities I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there is no reason for fucking up opportunities I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the worst case scenario I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the 'worst case scenario' is simply a fear I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing someone/something I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that what I fear is losing myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I cannot

  In my last post I said that a person wasn't interested -- I assumed that the person didn't want to be friends. What really happened is that the person didn't reply to my message/invitation not because she wasn't interested but because she was sick. So I should not assume things -- as well as not create expectations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things when meeting new people I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe when meeting new people I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the reason why someone is not replying to me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be patient when interacting with others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with depression whenever I be

Meeting someone new and wanting to make friends too fast, they are not interested but I couldn't see it when we were talking, so I fall in a micro-depression that lasts one day and then I see I should not have expectations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make movies in my head about how a friend/relationship will unfold I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in depression when I am ignored I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider I was too fast with the new person I met I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from people I just met I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down whenever people I just met don't reply to my messages I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I go too fast I push people away when meeting them I forgive

 I liked the movie 'Gladiator'. As I saw it, the life of the main character was a complete struggle, having to fight to survive and - spoiler alert - his death is like a 'liberation' - even the soundtrack of the last scene is called 'Now We Are Free'.  I have seen my life as a struggle in a way and have seen that I am expecting death to be a liberation, like in the movie. 350 billion years of process awaits me if I die and have not created myself as life - see this post of the  Desteni material for reference. Walking my process on Earth quantifies my process to the tune of approximately 1200 years per one/at every breath. {350 billion years divided by about 40 years of life left at aprox 20,000 breaths per day} I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the opportunity I have to create myself as life this lifetime I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe death will somehow liberate me I forgive myself that I h

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations about my life, and become disappointed when I don't see them happening I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that nothing is guaranteed in this world except death I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect things from myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect things from others I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can know the future, when it is uncertain I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all plans can change as there is no fixed future I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to what I think will be happening/I will be doing I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be flexible with my plans I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a certain future but do nothing to ma

' I am cornholio, I need tipi for my bungole!' That's a phrase from Beavis, from a cartoon I like called Beavis and Butt-head, and I find very funny. Sometimes I forget to enjoy myself, to take a break from being so serious. Life is not black and white, and I see I am so hard on myself most of the time and participate in toxic shame for my participation in for example, porn. Toxic shame is when I try to cleanse myself from my addiction and go polar opposite, with for example applying self forgiveness, and then I relapse. I take my life as if all that I do in every moment will make me successful and put pressure on myself which creates the opposite, apathy and unhealthy behaviors. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself more I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse discipline with being hard on myself I forgive myself that I have accep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop harmful behavior I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see I have to stop my old self before the new self can emerge I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in not stopping harmful behavior I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have limited time, and there is the very possibility that I don't make it this life I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the vicious circle of not stopping 'because I didn't stop before' which does not make sense I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself that there is another me on the other side of stopping my old self I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have to stop the old me in every moment of breath until the old me is no more I forgive myself that I have accepted and a

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money for my visit to M I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stranded in M I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to pay for accommodation I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having proper clothes for M I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can make the calculations of the money I will need for M I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a manic episode I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that as long as I follow the guidelines of my treatment all will be well I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to eat I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself