Day 87: Huffing Gasoline


 As a kid one time I was riding with my bike in town, when it got a punctured tire. I could not ride it home so I parked it. I continued walking home, when all of a sudden I saw what looked like an abandoned bike. I looked left and right and no one was nearby, so I took it. I was happy again. When I got to my neighborhood some kid told me she knew the owner but I didnt understand the name so ignored it.

The shit hit the fan when the brother of the owner of the bike found out the bike at the hands of another neighbor, who told him it was me who stole it.

This guy told everyone I was a burglar. I could not explain that I didnt see the bike was unattended and abandoned.

The bike had been painted with wall paint. I had to fix it before returning it to the guy. While I was removing the paint with gasoline in a small room under the building I was living, I inadvertendly got high. Suddenly the pressure on my shoulder was lifted, my head was buzzing.

So here I have what I think is my connection of drugs to 'relief', and I've been doing drugs on and off since then more or less, first soft drugs and later on all others.

What hit me hard is when my best friend asked me with a stern face if I had done it, to which I said no.

Also my sports coach, and I said no. I am not a burglar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for taking an unattended bike.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate buzz to relief

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to disconnect from being judged as a thief by using drugs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not talk to my parents about my problem with the bike.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the burden of being called thief on my shoulders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see this is no burden to carry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape the town after my reputation was tainted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about reputation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot trust others telling my side of the story

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I cannot possibly explain my side of the story

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can only deny the alegations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I should communicate effectively with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must endure pain and suffering alone

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